How To Make the Best of Funerals

Don’t worry. No one died. I just have some observations on tradition here in the west compared with the South. Southern funerals are important as a social occasion, a farewell for now, and a reminder that faith is what allows us to truly “celebrate” a life when it’s time for someone to go, and we all have to.

Jello salad is a safe bet when things are down

My grandaddy, with a smile that rivaled fresh honey, would lean over at the table whenever we were at a funeral wake and whisper with the wisdom of age and a sparkle in his eye; “Don’t eat the potato salad”

This was the takeaway for me as a child growing up in the South. Always have lots of food for your guests, but if you ARE a guest – steer clear of anything with mayo. You don’t know how long it’s been sitting out.

Do you have to wear black to a funeral?

Oh for heaven’s sake no. Be respectful, but don’t be afraid of color. One thing I have noticed after moving west of the Mississippi is the number of people who show up in jeans and T-shirts at funerals. There is nothing wrong with that, but I draw the line at men who don’t take off their hats. If you are that desperate to look like an actual cowboy or baseball player, save it for the field or a dive bar with a jukebox. My only pet peeve with women is the hoochie dress look, unless of course hoochie is the theme.

Bless their hearts.

Don’t act ugly

Emotions are high among the grieving. If you have a bone to pick with someone at the gathering, or things aren’t going your way, save it for another time. Don’t throw a hissy. This is not your party. That is only acceptable in Steel Magnolias.

I’m only going over Jordan…

The knowledge that we will see our loved ones again is not a subject up for debate in the South. I wonder sometimes, if this is why Southerners can handle passing with a dollop of optimism. There is sadness for sure, but we KNOW there is a meeting place. There will be pecan pie and no mosquitoes in heaven. I’ve been to services in the west where I felt so badly for the grieving – because they honestly didn’t seem to be so sure. Did they not get the memo? I want to hug everyone and assure them that it’s not magical thinking. There really is just a river to cross..and the rainbow bridge accepts everyone.

Sweety-Bites and Bourbon: the funeral fare that will have them talking.

When my sweet daddy passed away about 6 years ago, we gathered in the soft soil of West Tennessee and said goodbye with a small quiet gathering at the cemetery where my closest relatives rest under a peaceful protective haze that only the deep South can sustain. We gathered at my cousin Sandra’s house afterward and ate deviled eggs and cucumber sandwiches out on the brick porch from delicate plates passed down for generations.

After the guests were gone, we broke out the bourbon, scotch (for daddy) and wine. Stories began to ooze as we dredged up all the funny that is part of real life. Sandra offered “sweety-bites” which is Southern for cake, brownies, cookies and anything else that will soak up the alcohol. There is no gluten-free. You eat what is passed to you or put it in a napkin and slide it off to the side when no one is looking.

I’ve been to a few gatherings in Colorado now, where there was not much of a wake, if any at all. I’m going to guess the family just didn’t have the energy or friends to help with this. How sad.

I don’t expect a second line jazz wake, but more than a few times, I’ve been tempted to start a catering service just for funerals. I can make a plate of deviled eggs, some casseroles, jello and sweety-bites to tide everyone over until the guests go home. I’ll steer clear of potato salad though.

Thanks for reading! I know this is a sensitive topic. Subscribe by email for more irreverence, or let me know your ideas for making the best of funerals – or taxes!